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Growing Up Firstborn: The Pressure and Privilege of Being Number One
By Kevin Leman. New York: Delacorte Press, 1989, 309 pages, $4.95.
The book Growing Up Firstborn by Kevin Leman deals with the issues surrounding one's birth order in the family and the problems that can result from this order. The author provides insight into the pressures as well as the privileges of being the firstborn in the family. He explains that technically one does not have to be the firstborn child in the family to be considered a firstborn. Leman states that the firstborn child, the firstborn male or female, and children with whom there is a gap of five years or more following their siblings all fit the criteria for being considered first born.
Leman describes the characteristics that many firstborn people exhibit, along with the negative and positive aspects of these characteristics. He indicates that a firstborn in every family has unmistakable traits that help him or her in life, or which make life harder. For example, the author states that firstborns typically tend to be leaders. He states that this means a firstborn can play an important part in the family, community, etc. The author also indicates that by being a leader, one is expected to do too much and is always leaned on by others. Thus, Leman illustrates ideas that might be factoring into one's everyday problems and provides a possible source of such problems. The author also offers an intellectual perspective in terms of dealing with such traits. For example, Leman states "having leadership ability doesn’t mean you win every time…Give yourself a chance, and your leadership abilities will be seen by others " (p. 283).
Leman discusses these topics from several perspectives. These include being married to a firstborn, working with a firstborn and then obviously if the person reading the book is a firstborn. As it relates to psychotherapy, this book could be used to help provide further insight especially to those who are experiencing relationship problems. From these perspectives, Leman discusses the issues of destructive family patterns, sibling rivalry, career success and even parenting. Thus, this book may be useful for a variety of people. Men and women both can benefit from the aspects discussed. Adolescents can learn some things from the book as well. Hence, the book provides insight to various age groups in regards to relationship problems, of which any one of them may be bringing to psychotherapy. The author uses very simple language, and clients of this age group should be able to follow the examples discussed with relative ease. However, the book uses a number of scenarios that would be difficult for a younger child to understand. These include the work environment, the relationship between a husband and wife, and so on. A younger child likely would have some trouble relating this to his own life, and might not find the book very helpful. Thus, it seems that one approximately fifteen years and older would benefit most from reading this book.
One of the biggest strengths of this book is the writing style of the author. Throughout the book, Leman combines very simple and basic everyday activities with humor to describe his points. For example, when discussing that many firstborns are nitpicky about things, he states “don’t worry if your son mows the lawn in a way that it looks like a patchwork quilt.” He follows up this example by stating a female client of his knew that “her chair in her bedroom was 35 inches from the dresser…can you imagine…her sex life?” (p. 48). His style is not critical; instead, Leman writes in a way that allows him to present his thoughts on the reader’s level. At the end of the chapter on “the high cost of being the oldest”, Leman adds “Do you see yourself as plain vanilla in a world clamoring for 31 flavors? If so, remember that vanilla is still the most popular flavor in the world” (p. 57). In short, the book is written for the purpose of learning but provides an entertaining component as well.
Another strength of the book is the way the author presents some of his major points. For example, when Leman discusses the way many first-borns are perfectionists, he provided a chart with “I am responsible for…” on one side and “I am not responsible for…” on the opposite side (p.122). All of his examples were brief, succinct and incorporate feelings many of us have at some point in our lives by using examples such as the relationships we enter into, our spouse’s bad mood, an so on. When reading these charts, they are presented much in the way one would find in a textbook, but with a much more personal feel to them.
Overall, Leman describes his points in a way that is both educational and enjoyable. He defines and describes a number of issues that all of us can relate to, regardless of birth order. One is not required to know anything about this subject before reading the book. However, Leman succeeds in providing readers with insights into the impact of birth order that they may never have considered previously.
Although this book is well written and easy to follow, there is one aspect of it that seems to be limiting. Throughout the entire book, Leman mentions “God” and the importance that He has on our lives numerous times. For example, Leman states, “you are much better off living the life God gave you” (p. 110) and “are you finding time to spend with God?” (p. 138). To many, this may seem to be a positive feature of the book; however, there is a negative side to this matter. Not everyone who may read this book believes that there is a God or some type of higher being. Thus, this aspect of the book may provide an immediate negative feeling, leading some to stop reading the book entirely. In addition, there are some people who do believe in God, but do not like others to impose their religious beliefs onto them. Although this religious aspect is not the main focus of the book, a reference to “God” occurs enough that it may become a deterrent for many.
In terms of psychotherapy, the book would be integrated if the troubles of being a firstborn were discussed. How much of an issue being a firstborn is to the client would determine how much this book is used. For example, if the client is experiencing some trouble dealing with being a firstborn child, the psychotherapist may recommend to the client to read the book at his or her leisure. Thus, the book might provide some insight to the client in helping them understand some of the problems many firstborns experience. However, if this area is a major focus of treatment, the book could be used more extensively. The clinician may assign chapters one or several at a time for the client to read and these would be discussed in the following session. For example, the chapter on sibling rivalry (Chapter 4) could be assigned if the client was experiencing significant problems with a brother or sister. Thus, the book would be discussed in greater detail with the client and could be used as a resourceful tool in psychotherapy. In addition, the chart previously discussed about what a client is and is not responsible for could be used directly in psychotherapy. For example, the clinician may work with clients in creating such a list for themselves. However, if it were to come up somehow during treatment that the client did not believe in God, the book may not be used, due to the significant amount of reference that is made to a "higher being."
Overall, the book is well written and presented in a very straightforward manner. The wording is very easy to understand and could be helpful to the client both professionally and personally. The author is insightful, and his suggestions are forceful to a degree, but not overbearing (i.e. “parents learn from trial and error…give them a break” (p. 65). This book also provides benefit to the psychotherapist as well as the client. By understanding how someone may have been raised, one’s birth order, and their relationship with their parents, the psychotherapist can have a better understanding of why someone may have the problems currently battled. Based on the characteristics previously mentioned of many first-borns, that psychotherapy could prove to be difficult. A first-born patient will likely feel that he is a failure for coming to psychotherapy and that it is a sign of weakness. Such information could be helpful in dealing with such a client, but the key will be to remain objective and not become judgmental. The religious aspect of the book may deter some psychotherapists from using it with certain clients, and that will be a factor the clinician would have to consider.