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Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-long Intimacy.
By Gary Smalley. New York: Fireside Publishing, 2000, 249 pp., $13.00
Gary Smalley’s Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy is a book for married individuals, which seeks to help couples improve and create more meaningful communication in their relationships. Smalley bases his theories on his thirty years of research and experience as a marriage counselor. He indicates and highlights that communication difficulties are among the main contributors to discontent and divorce in marriages. Therefore, Smalley outlines several steps that encourage couples to establish open lines of consequential communication in order to obtain deeper levels of intimacy. Furthermore, he states that by developing more intense levels of intimacy, couples will be able to maintain happy and fulfilling relationships. The book seeks to take readers on a “journey” and indicates that by applying specified techniques, couples will be able to establish the “foundation for ultimate relationships [which is the] best defense against divorce” (p.38). Smalley uses examples from his own life and from the lives of his clients to illustrate his points as well as assignments and several other methods.
Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy is intended for heterosexual married couples. The author states that the appropriate audience is those that are newly wed or have been married for longer. This is also demonstrated by the fact that some of the suggested principles require individuals to be in the same household or in close proximity to one another. For example, Smalley indicates that one of the main ways to meet and nurture communication needs is to spend twenty minutes a day “turning towards” your partner and engaging in touching and conversation (p.213). Additionally, several references are given to couples coming together to raise children and the importance of “honoring” the marriage contract, which further implies that readers must be married. Furthermore, the author highlights the differences between communication styles of men and women and how these differences transfer into the intimate relationship, indicating that the readers must be heterosexual.
It is also assumed that both individuals within a couple are willing and open to participating in and applying suggested principles. The book is based on the notion that readers have a fundamental desire to improve their marriage. For example, the author states “you and your partner have dedicated yourselves to assessing where you are in your communication process, the depth meter in your journey to intimacy” (p.242). Smalley emphasizes the idea that a marriage is a team and describes each of his concepts as a requirement and responsibility for both partners to implement in their marriage. Thus, tools such as couples honoring each other and making the decision to “place high value, worth and importance on someone, viewing him or her as a priceless gift and considering that person worthy of great respect” (p.244) are commitments that must be made by both partners. Commitment by both individuals is also needed in order to complete assignments, which ask clients to evaluate themselves both individually and together and to asses their problems, wants and needs in their relationship, in an open atmosphere.
In addition, Smalley not only indicates that both partners must be dedicated to making the advised changes in their marriage, but also requires that couples have some level of insight. Partners must have perspective enough to recognize that, as indicated by Smalley, ineffective communication is the root of all their relationship problems and they must be able to identity the fact that they are caught in a vicious cycle, which must be broken. They must also accept the notion that the lack of effective communication is a result of a deeper disappointment and that couples must “realize what it is and seek help, first from [one’s] mate, and then from a professional therapist” (p.71). Furthermore, couples must have intellect to apply given techniques. The author presents his ideas in a clear and concise format, however does not write an exact prescription for how to change maladaptive patterns. For instance, it is stated that by employing certain concepts to disagreements, a potential argument can be transformed into an educational, even enlightening conversation. The author then proceeds with examples from his clinical work of how other couples were able to learn from their arguments. Thus, readers must be able to apply these examples to their own marriage and come up with unique ways of altering their disagreements, which requires insight and intellect.
Finally, the appropriate audience for this book is those couples whose presenting problems involve ineffective communication styles. This is due to the fact that each of the author’s concepts, such as the main matters that lead to divorce and the components that create deep levels of intimacy, are fundamentally based on communication or the lack there of. For example, Smalley indicates that there are five levels of intimacy within a marriage and each level is illustrated by the communication patterns of which the couple engages in the specified level. He states that the deepest level of intimacy occurs when a couple learns to freely express their needs to one another. Therefore, couples that may be dealing with concerns other then communication would not benefit from this reading.
Gary Smalley’s Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy also has several strengths that increase its effectiveness. Namely, the author’s writing style is a strength because it is clear and concise. He explains each of his points in detail by devoting a chapter to each characteristic of intimacy and communication technique. He uses easily understood, detailed, visual language. Smalley also numbers and outlines each of his points and reiterates them throughout the book. Namely, in the last chapter, all ideas are re-visited with the use of illustrations of how each characteristic can apply to a happy and fulfilling marriage.
Points are also well explained through the use of examples both from the author’s practice and personal life. These case representations are able to reach readers on a personal level by creating an immediate connection and making them believe that they are not alone on the journey toward intimacy. This occurred several times throughout the book as the author expressed that he and his wife had had several problems and continue to argue today. He explained how he has applied his principles to his own life and how they have enhanced his marriage. Smalley also admitted that this journey is not at all facile and stated that even he does not always use effective communication skills. Through example, the author provided ways in which to re-open the lines of communication when mistakes have been made. Personal accounts and case studies made the book seem more practical and realistic. They furthered concepts and showed the ways in which a relationship can grow as communication is valued and improved.
The author also provides visual aids to illustrate his points. Each chapter begins with a diagram, which shows the level of intimacy that is going to be discussed and its place in the journey to the deepest levels of intimacy. These visual representations help further demonstrate points and create a way for readers to visualize where they now, and where they desire to go in their relationship. They prove to be helpful in providing an added illustration of well-explained ideas.
Another strength of Smalley’s book is that many of his principles seem grounded in psychological and empirical study. He indicates that his ideas are well researched and based on his thirty-year career. The author also cites well-known relationship researchers such as John Gottman as the basis for his theories. Concepts such as drive through listening, which is defined as “the art of reflecting back to our mate what we think we’ve heard” (p.176) appear to resemble the psychological principle of reflective listening.
The author’s use of written assignments is also an asset. He encourages couples to complete given tasks independently and then to discuss the responses as a couple. Activities such as asking clients to explore themselves, both individually and together, and what they value in each other provide the opportunity for couples to focus on what brought them together and self-analyze the relationship. In addition, assignments encourage partners to look at their communication styles and to focus on their presenting issues.
Contrastingly, there are several weaknesses that compromise Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy’s overall value. Most significantly, the author makes constant reference to his decorated career and other publications. He boasts that he is a critically acclaimed writer and psychotherapist and that he has several honorary doctorates from various institutions. Comments such as “these [principles] represent my years of study, experience, and counseling and have revolutionized infinite relationships” (p.33) and “in each of my thirteen books I have exhaustively examined [these skills]” (p.126), break the flow as they take the focus away from the reader. Although Smalley’s message is not lost, his constant showing off of his career is a definite deterrent that can turn the reader off.
Another weakness is that the author appears somewhat sexist. The majority of his case studies and personal accounts center on occurrences in which a husband’s lack of communication has led to a wife’s wanting to leave the marriage. Although it is a well established concept that men and women have vastly different communication styles, which often lead to conflict in intimate relationships, Smalley asserts that woman are consistently better communicators, which make them more accessible to the concepts and principles he describes. He states that “in courtship, men especially seek to learn more about women in their mission [to] win the woman”, but this desire often dissipates at the end of the courtship phase in men. These assumptions based on gender suggest husbands are responsible for the majority of marital discord, which creates culprits in the relationship, instead of focusing on the presenting problems.
In addition, the author indicates that communication is the most important tool in a successful marriage and that the lack of effective communication is the main force behind divorce. He states that if every married couple learns “how to employ three powerful relationship skills that have the ability to take relationships deeper toward intimacy” (p.38), they will be able to maintain a happy and fulfilling marriage. The author implies that no matter what state a married couple is in, by applying his concepts, they are guaranteed success. Thus, Smalley does not allow for marriages in which problem issues involve more than ineffective communication or for the possibility that a marriage is not salvageable. This overarching assumption is misleading to couples that require more that than the author’s given techniques.
Nevertheless, Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy can be quite viable in the clinical setting. When used with the appropriate audience, this book can facilitate therapeutic movement. Thus, with heterosexual, married couples who are invested in and committed to improving their marriage, have insight and have a presenting problem that centers on communication issues, Smalley’s book has the potential to contribute to psychotherapy. Therefore, psychologists must caution themselves when using this particular book in bibliotherapy. They must evaluate their clientele and decide if each individual couple fits the intended audience. Psychologists must also be careful to tailor the psychotherapy to their client's particular needs and emphasize that not all of the author’s overarching techniques apply to every marriage. However, the author’s use of clear, concise language and detailed explanations can serve as a compliment to the psychotherapy setting in its ability to further points and heighten understanding. Thus, Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy can act as a springboard to topics that can be addressed within therapy.
Moreover, the author’s use of personal accounts and case illustrations help to make the readers feel that they are not alone in their quest for a happy and fulfilling marriage and that it is possible to rise above present conflicts in order to gain a desirable level of intimacy. Components such as the assignments in the book can aid in focusing clients and can give the clinician valuable information about the couple, both individually and together. Issues such as gender differences and honoring partners for their differences can be introduced within the book and expounded upon in psychotherapy. Therefore, Secrets to Lasting Love: Uncovering the Keys to Life-Long Intimacy is a book that can be quite useful in bibliotherapy for couples receiving marriage counseling.