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What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?
By Trevor Romain. Free Spirit Publishing, MN. 1999, 69 pages, $7.95.
Death can be difficult to deal with regardless of how old you are. People struggle to find the right words to console someone who has lost a loved one. Individuals also have a hard time understanding why this happened. Death is something that everyone will deal with at some point in their lives and yet it is one of the most difficult things to discuss and especially hard to explain. Since this is difficult even for adults to deal with, one can see how hard this concept would be to explain to a child. Parents or loved ones may feel that the child is not old enough to understand what happens when someone dies. Some may choose to not discuss the death with a child or they may say things such as the person has gone away for a long time or the person has gone to sleep for a long time. Caregivers need to realize that children need support and guidance more than ever during this time. It is understandable that parents may be at a loss for words when discussing the death of a loved one with a child. They may not know the right things to say or be unsure of how much information to share with the child. What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? by Trevor Romain does an excellent job of addressing the issue of death in a way that children can understand and relate to.
What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? is appropriate for children in kindergarten through fifth grade who have recently experienced the loss of a loved one. Romain has broken the book into 18 sections each of which begins with a question that a child may have regarding death; such as, “Why do people have to die?”, “What is it like to die?”, “Am I going to die too?”, and “Where has the person gone?” Romain provides information in a simple and non-threatening manner so that children can gain a basic understanding of what happens when someone dies. Romain explains that different cultures and religions have different traditions when someone dies. He provides explanations of what funerals, memorial services and wakes are so that the child has an idea of what to expect if he or she attends one of these.
Children may have trouble expressing their feelings during this time. Romain includes a section entitled, “Why am I hurting so much?” where he has a list of feelings and illustrations that may provide the child with a starting point to begin to identify how they are feeling. He explains that people of all ages deal with death differently. He lets children know that adults may be sad also but that they should not be afraid to talk to them about their feelings.
Romain wrote this book after his father passed away as a way to remember him. He briefly discusses the feelings that he had during this time and explains that writing this book helped him to deal with his father’s loss. Although this section is brief, he shows children that they can do something positive as a way to cope with their loss and to remember the individual. Romain also includes numerous coping strategies in his section entitled, “How Do I say Goodbye?” such as planting flowers as a memorial or writing thoughts about the person in a journal.
The book has many strengths however, some of these strengths can also be viewed as weaknesses. Romain has the ability to say the right things throughout his book and to also include his own illustrations that portray many of his ideas so that even the youngest child can understand. However, the illustrations that Romain includes throughout the book are in black and white. Therefore, this book may be more appealing to the younger audiences if the pictures were in color. Romain also stresses the importance of children talking to adults about their feelings so that they do not keep all of their emotions bottled up inside. However, this strength also addresses a limitation of this book because Romain does not include a section for parents or caregivers on how they should go about talking to their child about death. If the caregiver is not prepared to talk to the child, Romain’s emphasis on having the child talk to the caregiver seems meaningless. A Note to Parents section may be helpful because the adults in their lives may not know the best way to deal with their grieving child.
Romain places great emphasis on children talking to adults about how they are feeling. He includes a list of some people that children may want to go to for help during this time such as coaches, teachers, parents. This is important because it allows the child to see that it is okay to talk about their feelings.
What On Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies? is an appropriate book to use in bibliotherapy. The psychotherapist may recommend this book to a child who has recently experienced the loss of a loved one. It may be most beneficial for the child to read this book in the beginning sessions so that the child will have a solid foundation upon which the psychotherapist can build. The psychotherapist can use this book as a way to help the child better understand the feelings that he or she may be going through at the time. This book could be a starting point for the child to begin to discuss his or her feelings surrounding the loss. The therapist can have the child draw pictures about how they are feeling and then talk about them. The psychotherapist could discuss the different sections of the book with the child elaborating on any areas that the child had further questions about. The psychotherapist can also use the book to begin to discuss coping strategies with the child. Romain includes numerous examples in the book that the psychotherapist can pull from to initiate the idea of coping with the loss. Together the child and therapist can decide which strategies may work for him or her. Some children may also want to contribute their own ideas of things they could do to help them deal with his or her loss.